Americans Kick Ass

Posted 10 years ago by Evan Tishuk

Have you seen these helpful tips on how we garish Americans can travel abroad and avoid being, well, garish.

Keith Reinhard, one of New York's top advertising executives, who heads BDA, said: "Surveys consistently show that Americans are viewed as arrogant, insensitive, over-materialistic and ignorant about local values. That, in short, is the image of the Ugly American abroad and we want to change it."

No-Navel Jimmy sums it up pretty well with, "these 'tips' aren't for travelling; they are tips on how to be a fucking human"

Has it really gotten so bad that we need a guidebook on how to demonstrate the most basic levels of consideration. And couldn't this whole idea be distilled into, "When in Rome..."

No more speedos please

There's another quote in this article that struck me a little sideways. "The guide also offers tips on the dangers of dressing too casually." Okay, so I agree that Americans are (in general) gruff and unrefined bafoons who have a penchant for fanny packs and faded neon green Myrtle Beach Polo Club t-shirts, but let's turn the mirror on Europe for a moment.

Let's talk about the dangers of wearing shorts that come straight from a 1970's basketball uniform and speedos. I'm looking directly at you Germany. If you're going to rail on "ugly" Americans, nix the flambeau shorts, the tight speedos, and the attitude.

20 Comments

tom sherman ~ 10 years ago

Ah yes, those wise Europeans. Let us emulate their dress, their mannerisms, their thinking. Since they're so beyond anti-semitism.

Now there's a continent in need of therapy.

jimmy ~ 10 years ago

Tom, Great article. It just shows how ignorant the Europeans are when it comes to the world around them. They have never gotten over the theory of appeasement, no matter how many times Germany invades France.

Back to ourselves though. The fact that these "tips" were created makes me feel as though no one is raising children anymore. These things boggle my mind. I mean are there any parents out there? Anywhere?

Evan Tishuk ~ 10 years ago

Jimmy, you sound like my grandfather.

jimmy ~ 10 years ago

Haha, I am getting old and crotchety. Once I get a lawn I'll be yelling at kids to get off it.

tom sherman ~ 10 years ago

Well, maybe we should just change the tenor of this a little bit.

There's really no denying that Americans kick ass -- we pretty much rule the fucking world, and half that's because everyone's imitating. So how about this:

  1. While at home, Americans are free to kick ass.
  2. While away, Americans are free to kick ass, but quietly, but everyone already knows we kick ass.

It's kind of like being an actor. It's an action hero's job to kick ass in a movie, but if he were kicking ass on the street, that would just be unnecessary and provocative.

Adam Gautsch ~ 10 years ago

We will, from now on, call Tom's rule the Bruce Willis rule.

On another note, I recall having a similar conversation way back on the old Yeti and someone made an interesting comment- I want to say it was Jimmy.

Anyways, the idea was yes American's often do act too much like John McClane over seas and we probably shouldn't; however, no one seems to get mad when people from other countries come to America and don't embrace American customs and traditions. The people are always seen as respecting their hertiage or culture and we are rude for asking them to change in anyway. However, if we are overseas we are rude for no changing our ways to assimilate.

I always found that an interesting idea.

jimmy ~ 10 years ago

Yeah, I think that was me. I used to get mad that the French would get pissed when I slaughtered their language by trying to learn it. Yet they felt free to slaughter mine and not even attempt to learn it properly. mais, c'est la vie.

ihatetrucks ~ 10 years ago

The problem is our customs and traditions are, well, garish. We like things loud, big, and in your face. (Jimmy I am looking in your general direction because I am sure that we can all agree that you are all these things) and we are seated at the head of the international table. Now France, Germany and many other European countries used to at least sit at the adult table, but in recent years they have been moved to the children's table and have to sit with Ralph Wiggim and watch each other cram crayons up their noses while reading about how the puppy lost its way. Now these adult table rejects can not stand the fact they have lost adult table priviledges, so they sit back and criticize the most popular countries. It is kinda like in high school when the nerds made fun of the popular kids for not being able to calculate the unit cirlce backwards using pi to the 100 decimal place . It does not matter what we do or how we do it, nothing we ever do will make the Ralph Wiggim's happy soley because we are doing it and they don't have any say in it. Language is a perfect example of this. Jimmy has no real reason to need to know french because so little of the population speaks it, but he took French, he lived in France and tried to assimilate to the French culture and speak thier language instead of being a rude American. He gave it a shot, but no. The French and Germans feel that if they should have to learn English then by God we should have to know how to discuss classical literautre/music in the language in which it was originally written. While that is fine and dandy, the rest of the world will just work hard for a living doing what is required and not get our heads bent out of shape when someone who lives and works in their country does not speak the language. Soccer watching, speedo wearing, diesel using, cheese and sausage eating jerks faces.

Evan Tishuk ~ 10 years ago

First off, that is the most insanely idiotic comment I have ever heard. Not once in your rambling incoherent response did you approach ANYTHING that could be considered a rational thought. You are awarded no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Secondly, "they have been moved to the children’s table and have to sit with Ralph Wiggim and watch each other cram crayons up their noses while reading about how the puppy lost its way." is hillarious.

Lastly, I didn't mean for this post to turn into a xenophobic orgy. When China threatens we'll all be in the United States of the Western Hemisphere.

jimmy ~ 10 years ago

you didn't want it to get xenophobic? You realize the title of this post is "Americans Kick Ass" right?

Evan Tishuk ~ 10 years ago

<sarcasm>Americans Kick Ass</sarcasm>

olivier ~ 10 years ago

Jimmy, some of you crazy Americans are so silly with your supersized triplemaccheeseburgers and your diet coke, and your "Real Wifes Of Orange County." What's up with that?

Here's the difference between Frenchies and Yanks (and thanks for the list, by the way):

Real men aren't afraid to sport the ubiquitous banana sling - commonly refered to as "the speedo". (Although technically, we prefer to wear man-thongs.)

Oh yeah. Believe it.

Second, if the US had a decent soccer team, more of you would watch the sport. (By the way, Football and Baseball aren't real sports. All those guys do is sit around and scratch themselves. You're talking about 2 minutes of chewing for ten seconds of running. Pffft. And what's up with the helmets and the padding?! Wussies.) Time to grow up and discover real sports. Like... where steroid use isn't a prerequisite.

Third, diesel rocks. Period. (And it's great in salads.)

Fourth, don't even talk about cheese. You've never had the real thing, so you aren't qualified to use the word. Please remove it from your TV-addicted brain immediately.

Fifth, At least, we have real sausages. You yanks have... hot dogs and summer sausage. Not that they're bad or anything, but... please.

You're just jealous of the French because we're so damn smart and funny and good looking. You can't handle how impossibly manly we are. Admit it. And we have cool accents to boot.

Oh yeah.

If we weren't so cool, you'd have no one to hate. Where would be the fun in that?

;)

olivier ~ 10 years ago

(And don't make our military kick your military's butt.) Et vlan. :D

Adam Gautsch ~ 10 years ago

These last two Evan posts have reminded me of the Yeti of old. You know the Yeti I mean, the one where every comment string turned into a long pointless political or philosphical discussion.

Tear.

ihatetrucks ~ 10 years ago

After living in Europe, it became very apparent to me why everyone smells like putrid porta-potty blue stuff. It is the combination of stinky cheese, greasy meat stuffed intestines, chain smoking, diesel driving and infrequent bathing. The reason everyone drinks so much when they go out in Germany is because the women smell like a combination of rancid sauerkraut and week old wet cigarette butts.

Leave it to the Europeans to love a sport in which you get rewarded for acting like you got your ass kicked. In no other sport is diving rewarded like it is in soccer (except maybe real football WRs). I am so sick of seeing people going face first into the dirt because the defender brushed by them. Fairys. I used to love soccer, it is a lot of fun to play and is great exercise but come on, pick a sport that requires some hand eye coordination. Maybe that is why the french can't hold off an army, they don't know how to aim a gun and fire it without using thier feet.

I will give you credit where credit is due, baseball is a slow laid back game but it is no different than cricket. Baseball is one of the best sports to watch because you can be laid back and watch it and still enjoy. Unlike soccer, you don't have to be drunk to enjoy it. If I wanted to spend 90 minutes watching someone not score I would spend more time with Bear (sorry Bear, we are still tight though, right?).

ihatetrucks ~ 10 years ago

Oh yeah, in response to your third point, you don't win friends with salad.

Evan Tishuk ~ 10 years ago

Kent Brockman
(in a commentary booth, bored) Half back passes to the center, back to the wing, back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it...

Mexican Commentator
(very excitedly) Half back passes to center, back to wing, back to center!! Center holds it!!! Holds it! Holds it!!!!

SideshowMel
I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.

olivier ~ 10 years ago

Foot-rifles? Hmmm... Not a bad idea.

You know, France would have done a bit better in WWII had we not put all of our eggs in the Maginot Line basket. (Note to self: When building a big fence or wall, make sure it doesn't have giant holes in it.) We held the Krauts off a whole lot better in WWI, thanks in great part to our heavy use of Grey Poupon gas.

For the record, If the Germans ever tried to invade France again, we'd be able to knock them back with our sausage rifles and cheese grenades without even dropping our megots.

About the sports thing, I fell asleep during a baseball game once. (Right there on second base. No one noticed.)

But seriously, what's up with the helmets and crotch armor? (Wussies.) Do you see any cricketeers wearing helmets or jockstraps? Or using steroids? They wear white sweaters and turbans, man. THAT's as manly as it gets. Word.

As for the soccer players who fall to the ground and act like every bone in their body was just shattered by a giant holy hammer from Asgard... even though they barely got tapped on the shoulder, I think you're talking about Italians. Ahem.

If you like full contact, try Rugby on for size, you big babies.

Booyah.

ihatetrucks ~ 10 years ago

Rugby is not a sport, it is an alternative lifestyle. When the odds are higher that you will not finish an event with the same number of ears that you started with, it is not a sport.

When the free kick defender wall is setup, every girl out there is covering themselves.

The best thing about the "diving practice" of soccer is that some will roll around like they are mortally wounded and then be fine 11 seconds later. When I played soccer, my mentality was, I will give you something to roll around about. Once I became a goalie, I could get away with almost anything on a corner kick. My favorite was the knee to the stomach when punching a volley out.

olivier ~ 10 years ago

I think I remember you now.

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