The Five Stages of the Mustache

Posted 11 years ago by Adam Gautsch

Even though I am not part of the offical Mustache May website, I did decide to grow a mustache for May. I found that there are 5 stages to a mustache

1. Denial

I have long denied my birth right as a mustached man. I have often shirked my shaving responsibility and grown a beard but every time I grew a beard I'd still shave my mustache and go Abe Lincoln style. I was sure that I couldn't grow a good mustache and choose not to try. That is until this May.

And Jesus saith unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this day, even in this night, before the cock crow twice, thou shalt deny me thrice.

2. Acknowledgment

When I first started wearing the mustache I found myself apologizing to everyone. Clients, acquaintances, bums on the street:

'Here's an extra quarter Mr. Homeless Man, I understand your beard and mustache are terrible because you haven't seen a shower or razor for weeks and my poor excuse for a mustache should not be construed as me making fun of you and your facial hair. Instead my mustache is a result of my odd mix of family DNA and, of course, Mustache May,'

This stage came to its ridiculous conclusion at a Pulse event I attended.

There used to be an image of a name badge worn at a Pulse event. It read:

I am fully aware of how ridiculous this mustache looks. It is an embarassment to my family and myself. However, it is Mustache May.

And the cock crew

3. Bargaining

Me on Thursday 5/18:

'I'll keep it until the poker game on Saturday but this damn thing is getting shaved off on Sunday.'

4. Anger

Me, to myself, on Friday 5/19:

'Fuck this fucking mustache. It's not even that funny and some of these whisker actually hurt. Not to mention, I don't even want to meet the girl that finds this thing attractive. I hate this damn thing and I hate people who can grow real mustaches.'

And the second time the cock crew.

5. Acceptance

But he spake the more vehemently, If I should die with thee, I will not deny thee in any wise. Likewise also said they all.

Me, to myself, on Sunday 5/21:

'Screw this, I'm not going to be Peter to my mustache's Jesus. It doesn't hurt anymore and it is looking less ridiculous every day. Plus, people are now calling me Goose, which is funny and that will amuse me for several more days.'

My acceptance became complete when I was in a meeting with a salesman early this week and I choose not to mention the mustache to him at all. We sat in my conference room for half an hour talking and the mustache was clearly on his mind. Often he would cover his upper lip with his index finger or mimic my actions as I brushed my mustache with my thumb and fore finger. Soon it became hard for me to think about what he was selling as I would just continued to think,

'Yes, it is May and I have a mustache and you don't. Yes, it is 2006 and not 1986 and still I am wearing a mustache and I'm proud of what I've done. I've embraced the mustache and it has set me free. You should too. Everyone should. There is power in embracing the mustache. It is your right as a man. Be proud. Grow a mustache.'

I'm still shaving this damn thing on June 1.



olivier ~ 11 years ago


Stacy Keach, Tom Selleck... and Burt Reynolds even, all failed their moustaches, but you my friend, you have not. Be strong. Let the moustache live on forever.

Evan Tishuk ~ 11 years ago

I laughed out loud. Somehow, you still haven't posted a photo.

ihatetrucks ~ 11 years ago

you can't talk about it and not post of a photo. We need to see the 'stache and then we can determine if it is a good 'stache or a low rent basement porn video with the whore next door 'stache

nobrainer ~ 11 years ago

Is the mustache already long gone?

Adam Gautsch ~ 11 years ago

Yep. It was fun while it lasted, but it had to go.

rabib creator ~ 10 years ago

What about now? It is 2007, convention needs to be undermined and no one needs to feel guilty for doing it. Besides, a good mustache takes more than a month. Do it!

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